Fair warning: this post is an attempt to explain how religious control can keep individuals rooted in an unhealthy church for far too long. If you’re seeking answers and reassurance that you can break free from religious control, this post is for you. If you’re here to scoff at or dismiss my experiences, it might be best if you redirect your attention elsewhere.
Sometimes, when I tell my husband stories of my life before he knew me (as in, my life as a member of a cult-like church), he asks me the same question: “Why did you put up with that?”
I get it. It’s a fair question. Anyone with a functioning set of critical thinking skills would likely ask themselves the same question if they suddenly found themselves in the same situation I was in.
When I talk about my “normal” out loud, some of it sounds ridiculous and, well, like a cult.
Just recently, we had another conversation that ended this way. Already being in my feelings, it took a bit of digging to figure out why I let things go on for as long as they did without breaking free sooner.
Most people will tell me, “But you’re an adult. You had a choice. You could have done what you wanted.”
To those people, yes, you are right. I did have a choice—we all do. It just took me nearly 30 years to understand the impacts of religious control and who held the power over my life’s choices.
You have to understand, though, that I didn’t realize I had a choice. And to understand why I thought that, we have to talk about the thing that kept me rooted for so long: sin.
What is Sin?
According to Webster’s dictionary, sin is:
- An offense against religious or moral law
- An action that is or is felt to be highly reprehensible
- An often serious shortcoming
- A transgression of the law of God
As a Christian, most of us would assume the word “sin” most closely identifies with the fourth definition, a transgression of the law of God.
In Exodus 20, we find the first mention of the Ten Commandments. Those commandments are mentioned all throughout the Old Testament and again in the New Testament. Jesus even mentions those laws in Matthew 19:17, saying,
“Why do you ask me about what is good? Jesus replied. There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments."
He then goes on to say in verse 18, “...You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”
From this, I think we can agree that murdering someone, having an affair, stealing, lying, and treating others poorly are actions that are considered a “sin”, right?
Further reading and application of the Word should give us a clue on how to conduct ourselves so that we can live a life without sin in it.
A Closer Definition of “Sin” in Controlling Environments
However, I’d like to propose a closer definition of the word “sin”--- a definition that more closely aligns with cult-like thinking.
Sin isn’t just a transgression of the law of God (although it should be that alone). Instead, the definition I learned at a young age is:
Sin is a transgression of the law of God (as outlined by man).
Since man, in this case, is church leadership, it is the ultimate authority on what is and is not sin. Anything can become a transgression.
I’m talking things well past actions outlined in the Ten Commandments.
I mean things like:
- How you act in public
- How you dress
- The things you say
- How people perceive you
- Your thoughts, feelings, and emotions
- Your hobbies (are they approved by leadership as a hobby to have? If not, it’s sinful and will likely show up in a sermon.)
You cannot rely on your own understanding and interpretation of the Word to help you define what is a sin and what is not. Your heart is deceitful and it will tell you every man is right in his own eyes— which is obviously very wrong.
Instead, you must rely on those who have authority over you to ensure you’re within the bounds of “not sin” to keep you out of the Eternal Lake of Fire.
In other words, you have to obey what church leadership says, regardless of what it is, to stay on the straight and narrow.
Fear, Obedience, and Religious Control in Cult-Like Settings
If you haven’t figured it out by now, this cult definition of sin is rooted in two things: fear and religious control.
I’ve often wondered why I’ve given others so much control over my life and why I didn’t realize I had the ability to make my own decisions and choices.
It took my husband (and my therapist, bless them) asking me, “Why did you put up with it?” a million and one times to figure it out.
I was afraid to sin.
I discussed this briefly in a blog post on modesty standards, but disagreeing with anyone in authority is an automatic ticket to Hell.
When you’re a member of a cult-like group, you cannot disagree with anyone in charge— whether openly or secretly in your own heart. Doing so means you’re operating directly against Psalm 105:15, which says, “Touch not mine anointed and do my prophets no harm.”
Somehow, that single scripture gives every pastor, preacher, and church leader the freedom to define sin based on their own preferences.
And when those in leadership have this much power, they also hold your choices in their hands.
How Fear-Based Religious Control Manipulates Personal Choice
When you spend your formative years listening to preaching every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and Saturday night, that somehow circles back to church authority and that it is a sin not to obey his (notice the little ‘h’) word, it’s hard not to internalize it.
Eventually you learn to just comply with leadership to save your soul.
That means no disagreeing, no voicing your concerns, and definitely no reading the Word yourself to see what it actually says.
Forget working out your own salvation with fear and trembling. That scripture does not apply.
Instead, if those in authority over you tell you something is a sin, that’s it. That’s the final word. If you want to live a long life, you obey it.
Throw in more than a healthy dose of guilt, shame, and people-pleasing on top of the lack of control, and it’s easy to find why some (read: me) stay in a cult so long.
Leaving it means you’re disobedient. And disobedience will send you straight to Hell faster than anything else.
Breaking Free from Fear and Reclaiming Personal Faith
I know now that no one has the power to send me to Hell but God himself. It’s taken me 30 years to learn that.
While I do think that the pastor is the shepherd and should guide his flock, I think we Christians have a responsibility to read and study the Word ourselves and critically apply it to our own lives.
And that’s part of the problem. In circles like these, leadership is the final authority, not the Word.
It’s why so many are ignorant of what the Word really says. When critical thinking and diligent studying of the Word are discouraged and replaced with leadership interpreting it for us, it’s easy to take what someone else says as the Gospel.
It’s easy to give someone else control. And it’s easy not to argue when leadership defines sin and preaches it as such. Pretty soon, you’ll find the fear of Hell has crept right in.
But that constant fear of sin is not godly.
2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
And because we can trust what God has given us—a sound mind—I’m positive that’s why Paul encourages us to study the Word for ourselves, both in the next chapter of 2 Timothy and, again, in Philippians.
Fear of sin doesn’t have to be a part of our lives. We have the choice to walk in His truth, even if that means disagreeing with errant teaching.
Shine bright.
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Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I can definitely relate.
I disassociate myself from the J.W. Faith many years ago.
I was raised around the religion at 4 years old. I have seen a lot. I have had moment so being misguided.
The religion desires to control minds of their members, they promote lies about you when you object and stand up for what is right rather it’s for yourself or others!
The disrespect runs rampant and it comes in various forms of tests to see how you will respond or adapt.
The sexual harassment and abuse is real.
Many times if you’re a member you are asked to well as ask to be silent or look the other way… when a person is being mistreated, manipulated and disrespected.
Members are expected to welcome any and all kind of acts committed against you… it’s your test to them it builds character and endurance.
This is not biblical to be treated that way and it is wicked, culturally wrong, inappropriate, especially when the acts is criminal in the eyes of the LAW!
I am harassed on a regular basis and it’s been ongoing for years.
The organizations used and sent various people to harass me, by tampering with my personal belongings, my family and stalking me and literally tried to kill me.
The organization has continued to request my presence to come back and join in worship through an untrustworthy family member.
I was raised around the religion as a child along with my siblings.
I am a victim and well as a few of my family members for leaving the cult of the JW.
It is a strict unreasonable, controlling and unrealistic religion that wants control every walk of life of their members.
From personal choices of who you befriend, how to dress, personal decisions, recreational, educational decisions and financial decisions, etc.
I have been asked in several occasions to disown my children due to a poor choice or choices they have made trying to understand their adolescent years & while experiencing puberty.
Children as well as adults are human beings first they will make mistakes, we all sin and fall short of God’s glory!
Yet, our loving GOD extends his grace & mercy!
If you’re in that religion there is no placed on being a sinner or a human being. Perfection is emphasized on a regular basis.
Unless you are well liked or in a click or an “ “yes” person to whatever is being asked of you without any questions… then you’ll fit right in.
I thank God for having a therapist when I suffered brutal criticism and harassment from a “few” of the men “elders” that were in leadership.
Who act as if they are your God and being a single parent I was told many times I need to seek the opinion and or advice by a few men in particular when I was making decisions for my family.
It is so sucking to think about and to re-live the control and who was jealous as to how strong woman that provided very well for my family without asking or seeking their help or attention.
This made one I divide vey upset as he spread lies about me and showed a bias attitude toward my children.m
I’m prayed to be for wisdom and sanity and making sure my children and my family are safe.
Me saying this could be my death sentence. However if I can save a life… through my experiences… at least it helped someone.
Investigate all religions and its practices before becoming a member. 🙏❤️
Oh, Terri. I am so sorry this has been your experience with religion. I wasn't JW, but I see so much of my own story in your words. I am thankful you are out!